Collateral Damage

This election cycle is crazy. The way that it divides people has been something to behold. Friendships, online friendships, marriages, relationships all dissolving because we’ve lost our ability to tolerate our differences.

And it’s not even in primary relationships. The tribalist notions have been extended to secondary groups: families, clubs, businesses, organizations, all being tied together by adherence to dogmatic principles, because what it means to be a United people has been so undermined.

For me, it’s a relationship. A woman I was seeing/semi-dating is a liberal Democrat. I am a Libertarian, vacillating between my ideological minarchist tendencies and a more moderate classical liberalism that I can temper my expectations with. My foundation is built on the bedrock of individual over group and personal responsibility, treating the world not as I wish it to be, but rather, as a place that I recognize it to be that I can work to improve in my own small way. This bedrock influences my views on the government’s role in daily life, interpersonal relationships, social movements, and responsibility.

For her, she is a proud black woman, and that piece of her identity rooted in her ethnic group is a strong one. It is to some extent, the magnetic pole to which her compass is tied. And it frames much of her perspective on the world. This particular piece of her identity comes from her mother, an equally proud and fierce black woman who has had to endure what I wish no one has had to endure, and what I see as scars that have shaped her views on much of the world. I don’t hold malice toward her, I feel grieved that she had that lived experience.

But I came to the conclusion yesterday that those scars, that view will never let me in her circle of trust, and that this was precisely what had torpedoed my marriage. I was kept at arms length, viewed as an outsider. And when I injected my views, I was told that I shouldn’t rock the boat. Following our split, I attempted to maintain cordial relations with my former in-laws, but inevitably the nastiness came out, and once I was no longer attached to their side, they could become completely venomous.

So when I noticed the same warning signs, and addressed them with my lady friend, she said that she was concerned about my voting preferences. I do not wish for a more powerful and centralized government. I firmly believe that a government large enough to give you everything is powerful enough to take it all away. I have to be willing to walk away because while it may be temporarily good to compromise, to go along to get along, it creates long-term bitterness and resentment.

This election has consequences and collateral damage. But that’s what conflict is. Nothing is perfect, nothing is clean, nothing is morally perfect.